The following article, Why Four Wives When You Can Have Unlimited Silence?, was first published on The Black Sphere.
The Historical Context of Marriage (Or, How Humanity Got Stuck)
Marriage has always been a fantastic idea—if you enjoy getting taken by the fine print. Oh the days when marriage was less about love and more about livestock exchanges (BBC). Ancient Mesopotamians treated marriage like a business merger, medieval Europeans used it to secure alliances, and modern humans use it to justify staying on the better medical insurance policy.
But let’s be real—marriage was invented by someone who thought, “You know what’s better than one person judging me? Two families judging me.”
The Four-Wife Dilemma (Or, How to Quadruple Your Problems)
Now, some cultures allow a man to have up to four wives. Four. That’s not a marriage—that’s a focus group with veto power over your life choices. Imagine coming home to four separate opinions on how you loaded the dishwasher wrong. In this type of arrangement, you don’t need a marriage counselor, you need a referee.
The Unlimited Slave Loophole (Or, Customer Service for Life)
A Muslim man related that not only can he have four wives, but he can have unlimited slaves. Now we’re talking!
Forget wives, I want a team of people whose job description is “Make my life easier without asking why I own three identical black shirts.”
Also, a wife sees you lounging and says, “Shouldn’t you be doing something productive?”. A slave sees you lounging and says, “Can I fluff that pillow for you?”
Which one sounds like true love?
Marriage is a partnership. Slavery is the ultimate customer service.
Why the Wedding Industry Fears Slavery
If slavery were legalized tomorrow, the wedding industry would collapse faster than Trump can drop a nickname.
No man is picking out floral arrangements when he could be picking out:
- A personal chef (“Make me a steak, medium-rare, and don’t ask about my cholesterol.”)
- A groomer (“Trim my nose hairs and pretend you didn’t see that.”)
- An errand runner (“Get my dry cleaning and lie about the price.”)
- And, let’s be real—one hot slave girlfriend (“You’re not a wife, so legally, you can’t be mad at me.”)
Why deal with four wives who gossip, when you could have four slaves under strict NDAs?
How Age Changes the Game
Your stance on marriage likely depends entirely on your age.
- At 30: “I want a soulmate, a partner, someone to grow old with!”
- At 50: “I want someone who doesn’t know what a prenup is.”
- At 80: “I want someone who won’t ask why I’m eating ice cream for breakfast.”
A wife says, “I don’t care what you do.”. A slave says, “I live to serve.” One of these is lying.
Love vs. Labor
Marriage is about compromise. Slavery is about convenience. Wives bring demands. Slaves bring enthusiasm. A wife nags. A slave takes notes.
So, if given the choice between four wives and unlimited slaves… well, let’s just say I’d rather have someone who asks, “More whiskey, sir?” than someone who asks, “Why are you like this?”
Final Thoughts:
Marriage is an adventure—but the terrain changes drastically depending on who you marry. Choose a conservative wife, and you’ll have a partner who believes in teamwork, traditional values, and a mutual enemy: the DMV. Sure, you’ll still argue over the thermostat and why you “don’t talk enough,” but at least you’ll agree on basic realities like biology and the fact that chicken casseroles solve most problems.
Marry a Leftist wife, however, and life becomes an endless gender studies seminar. Your kids won’t just have imaginary friends—they’ll have imaginary genders. By third grade, your son is a they/them Marxist homeschooled by TikTok, and your daughter is fundraising for the local Antifa chapter.
Date nights? More like debate nights—you’ll be defending capitalism while she explains why the nuclear family is a patriarchal construct (conveniently forgetting that your nuclear family pays for her organic oat milk latte habit).
In the end, both marriages require love, patience, and a strong Wi-Fi connection—hers for Twitter activism, yours for hiding in the garage watching ESPN. Choose wisely, gentlemen.
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