The following article, Make the Vatican Great Again: Why Trump Should’ve Been Pope, was first published on The Black Sphere.
The Case for Pope Donald I
Let’s face it—the Catholic Church missed a golden opportunity. While the cardinals were busy whispering in the Sistine Chapel, shuffling around in their fancy robes, the world’s real spiritual leader was busy doing… well, everything.
Donald J. Trump—the man who replaced the WHO, the United Nations, and half the globalist bureaucracy with a single Twitter account—is out here negotiating peace deals, freeing hostages, and generally doing more in a week than the Vatican has managed in decades. Meanwhile, the Church just elected Pope Francis 2.0: The Woke Sequel, a man whose disdain for Trump is only matched by his love of open borders and climate alarmism.
The Betting Scandal No One’s Talking About
Before we get to the new pope’s anti-Trump crusade, let’s talk about how this whole selection went down. Did you know over $40 million was wagered on the next pope? That’s right—while you were busy praying for divine intervention, degenerate gamblers (and probably a few cardinals) were cashing in.
Sites like Paddy Power and Betfair had odds on everything from the next pope’s nationality to whether he’d be another Jesuit (spoiler: he is). And let’s be honest—if Nancy Pelosi can insider-trade her way to millions, why wouldn’t a few well-connected bishops get in on the action?
Speaking of corruption, the Catholic Church has settled billions in sex abuse lawsuits, so why wouldn’t they dabble in a little light gambling? It’s not like they’re strangers to sin. The new, “modern” Vatican is all about inclusivity—whether that means harboring illegal migrants, blessing same-sex unions, or quietly shuffling predator priests to new parishes.
The New Pope: Globalist Stooge or Just Another Leftist Hack?
Now, let’s meet the new guy. Pope [Insert Name Here] (let’s be real, you won’t remember it in a week) is cut from the same cloth as Francis—meaning he’s pro-migration, anti-Trump, and allergic to traditional values.
This guy hates Trump so much, he probably crosses himself backward every time someone mentions “America First.” Meanwhile, Trump’s out here doing actual miracles—bringing Middle Eastern nations together, brokering ceasefires, and making NATO countries actually pay their bills. If that’s not holy work, what is?
The new pope, like his predecessor, is all about the “New World Order”—open borders, centralized power, and a deep suspicion of nationalism (unless it’s Palestinian nationalism, then it’s fine). He’ll lecture the West on “climate repentance” while ignoring actual Christian genocide in Nigeria and China.
A Modest Proposal: Recount the Papal Vote
But it’s not too late, Catholics! If the Democrats can manufacture 81 million votes for a guy who can’t string a sentence together, surely the Vatican can find a few lost ballots lying around. Maybe the USPS has some spare ones next to their 2026 midterm stash they have prepped for Democrats?
Imagine Pope Trump—swapping the papal tiara for a MAGA hat, replacing Latin with truthful hyperbole, and turning the Vatican into a five-star luxury resort (with a taco bowl fountain in St. Peter’s Square).
Consider what DOGE would find if Elon Musk and team audited the Catholic church.
Trump’s team would seek out and find corrupt bishops, then utter Trump’s famous phrase: “You’re FIRED!”
The Swiss Guard would be replaced with Marines, and of course Trump would build that wall around the Vatican. All this would be accomplished before breakfast on Day One. And before lunch, he would broker a peace between Israel and Iran before lunch.
The World Needs a Political Messiah (Or at Least a CEO)
The Catholic Church is in freefall—congregations shrinking, scandals multiplying, and leadership more obsessed with UN climate goals than saving souls. They had a chance to pick a winner—a man who gets things done—but instead, they doubled down on weakness.
So here’s my snarky, irreverent, and 100% accurate take: Donald Trump should’ve been selected pope. So what he didn’t go to divinity school or serve in some impoverished nation. Trump has far better credentials.
He’s literally taken a bullet for not only America, but the world. Frankly, Trump runs the free world, so why not throw in the Keys to the Kingdom while we’re at it? Imagine what dirt Trump what transparency he could shine on the Catholic church.
#MakeTheVaticanGreatAgain
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